Random Review

Written by Sachin Shaw. Co-written by Ciaran O’Neill

The motor car. The television. The toilet.

When Thomas Edison invented the ceiling, legend has it that he did so while on the toilet. You know what they say – toilets are the cradle of man. But are they worth the hype? Let’s flush this investigation…

Toilets provide a necessary role of waste removal in a sanitary manner. Not only is this essential in modern life, but it allows for the job to be done in the most comfortable way possible. However, one must question the efficiency of such a process.

Piss takes

Toilets take the piss like Nestle taking water from places in Africa suffering from water crises. Toilets, much like Nestle’s dubious water tactics, have a knack for taking the piss without batting an eyelid. I personally believe that peeing into a toilet is a primitive and outdated method. Instead, I believe people should urinate into the sink to save water.

Japan

When I was in Japan, over half my time was spent on the toilet (I ate a dodgy ramen and had crippling diarrhoea). I must say, the people of Japan truly have mastered the art of a meditative shit. The toilet opens for you, it washes for you and even warms the seat. Shitting anywhere else is to shit in pure agony.

Time is ticking

Did you know that we spend an average of 92 days in our lives on the toilet? That’s 92 days you could be playing Fortnite.

Fortnite, the beacon of productivity and societal advancement, beckons us all to forsake the porcelain throne and embrace the call of the battle royale.

I personally encourage everyone to avoid using the toilet at all times so you can spend more time playing Fortnite.

…

When each morning dawn does break,

And I can gaze outside my window across a vast, golden horizon,

When I can see in my own eyes tranquillity, as an object,

And have my vitality restored at the fullness of the sight of the beauty of the earth,

My day is ruined by the knowledge that toilets exist.

Conclusion

To conclude, do not use a toilet. Let shit hit the fan.

If you enjoyed this review, leave a comment below for infinite diarrhoea 

Disclaimer: this is satire, do not take any of this shit seriously.

Sleep is addictive. But is sleep like the stuff from the local dealer? Or is it as pure as a fine batch of Mexican cocaina? Well soon, you shall know. Welcome to Sleep Review.

Sleep is unbelievably refreshing. Entering a deep slumber to wake hours later, rejuvenated. It allows for experiences to be processed, growth to take place and a mental reset to be hit. Many don’t even want to leave their beds when they wake up! Not me though, I’m a gigachad sigma male. When I wake up, I do press-ups in the rain and stare at myself in the mirror for multiple hours.

Is sleep really worth it though? I mean – have you ever even stopped to think about it? I bet you just yawn and go to bed. You meek.

Case 1 against sleep: Piss and Power Naps

Have you ever heard of the term ‘wetting the bed’? Well if you don’t sleep, it is impossible to wet the bed. Furthermore, it reduces the chances of you wetting anyone else you may be sleeping on. As a result, I suggest reducing the amount you sleep as much as possible so you do not wet the bed. I, however, intentionally wet the bed in protest against the capitalist elite.

Case 2 against sleep: You are Intel Pentium processor

You need sleep because your brain is a selfish prick that needs to recover like my computer after running more than two tabs of Google Chrome.

Your tiredness may be a result of a lack of processor power in your system. To avoid sleep, try Unleashing the Beast®! with Monster Energy, or Vitalising body and mind®. with a crisp can of Red Bull. This will overclock your system so software updates no longer slow you down and kill your battery. Alternatively, you could simply download more processor cores from the online marketplace. I did it and haven’t slept in three weeks. As a result of living the way evolution intended, I have now gained ability to communicate with fish!

Point 3 against sleep: Sleep demons

Sleeping with part of your body sticking out of the blanket means certain death. This is because it will give monsters the opportunity to come and kill you in your sleep. So unless you want to die, I suggest getting as little sleep as possible.

Moreover, they call it a ‘sleep paralysis demon’ for a reason. Just don’t sleep. smh.

As we can see from this very comprehensive and scientifically backed review, sleep is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body. Effects include poor hygiene, slow processing and death.

Instead of sleeping, we at funkysachin.com recommend spending your extra time reading our other articles, or sending me money using the QR code below so I can buy more band merch without the financial ramifications.

Disagree with my verdict? Send me money. Agree with my verdict? Send me money. Either way, you should scan the QR code and empty your bank account.

Also leave a comment below and check out other random reviews here! Or don’t, I can’t force you.

Here it is. The mother of all questions. Cattos vs doggos. Head to head.

FunkySachin.com will provide the final verdict.

So without further ado, welcome to WatchMojo as we put cats against dogs in eight, death-dealing rounds. Let’s get into this.

Disclaimer: This is a very serious post. No more ceiling conspiracy theories. No more paying to the Aqua Elders to use a public toilet. Do not come here expecting the usual Sachin tomfoolery.

View the trailer for the article here:

Introduction

Ceilings. They’re everywhere. In our offices, shops, our restaurants. They’ve even made their way into our own homes. They are inescapable. But do ceilings deserve the bearing they hold on our lives? Are they worth the hype? Well, this investigation will get to the bottom of it. This is FunkySachin.com’s Ceiling Review (shriek sound effect).

What do ceilings have to offer us?

Well, for one, they can let you add another storey to your house. By having a ceiling in your property, you are actually laying the groundworks for another floor to be built! If you’re lucky, this “second floor” may already exist! If you are unsure, find the staircase in your home and see if you have this mysterious second floor.

So what other reasons do we have to be in favour of ceilings? Well, they have been critically acclaimed over the years for protecting you and your belongings from the elements. Rain, snow, hale, acid rain, a ceiling can keep you protected from it all of nature’s terrors. Therefore with the power of a ceiling, you are able to keep your delicate belongings dry and safe.

So, ceilings have a plentiful supply of advantages. But what evidence is there that ceilings may not be what they seem?

Well you know when I said they protect you from outside elements? That includes the Sun. Vitamin D is vital for keeping our D’s vitamised. Thanks to these pesky ceilings, we often lack the access to direct sunlight when can vitamise our Ds.

So without sunlight, we must sit ceilinged, but in darkness. I hear you screaming “but Sachin, isn’t that why we have lightbulbs?” But that is what they want you to think…

The Edison Inquiry

Thomas Edison created the lightbulb in 1879. But what, unreported invention did he also create just a few years later? That’s right. The ceiling. After years of trying but failing to sell lightbulbs, Edison had a lightbulb moment (haha, get it?). This quote was taken from a page of his diary that I found posted on Facebook: “People don’t need my bulbs. The Sun lights their rooms. But what if we take away the light? So they must PAY for it? mwaahahaha! I am the real Thomas Edison” Historians believe this is the start of corporate capitalism as we know it.

Using “adding a new floor to your home” and “protecting from the rain” as a front, Edison became a marketing mastermind. By convincing people to install ceilings the population was, without even knowing, forced into buying lightbulbs. Don’t believe me? Look up right now. Go on, do it. If you are indoors, you will see a ceiling. What is on said ceiling? A lightbulb. (shocked face)

That’s it, folks. The ugly truth behind ceilings has been uncovered. You heard it here first on FunkySachin.com. Ceilings were invented by Thomas Edison in 1882 to help him sell more lightbulbs.

I rate ceilings a 2/10.

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