After well over a decade of gracing the grid with his presence, Daniel Ricciardo’s time in F1 is up. Coming in with a swagger at a time when the sport was pushing for an austere and business-like appearance, Ricciardo pushed the envelope on showing executives and press officers that a driver’s character should be leaned into instead of cowered away from. He was also ridiculously quick, aligning himself alongside (and often outperforming) undisputed masters of F1 such as Sebastian Vettel, Fernando Alonso, Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen.
Despite this, the most his F1 exit has seemed to have garnered was a round of applause from his garage and some teary-eyed interviews. The season is not even over and the F1 circus is abandoning him like how one might discard an empty Coke can.
Now of course, Ricciardo signed his contract certainly knowing RB had the power to pull him from F1 at a moment of their choosing. In fact, such actions have almost now become ordinary in F1. Not long ago, the decision to axe a driver mid-season would have caused seismic outrage, confusion, shock and disbelief. In just a short span, however, we have now seen swaps such as Kvyat/Verstappen, Gasly/Albon, Seargant/Colapinto, De Vries/Ricciardo and now Ricciardo/Lawson.
Is driver investment to be an act of the past? Furthermore, is it right that drivers are even allowed to be dropped mid-season?
I guess so. But the relationship between a driver and his team has changed exponentially in F1 since Toro Rosso’s Kvyat/Verstappen swap in 2016 to a direction that I am not a fan of. The actions of teams lately seem to imply that drivers are seen as tools that can quickly and easily be swapped in and out with one another. Does one not fit perfectly? Try another! That one doesn’t work? Just keep flicking through the roster. A great example of the faliure of this model is with Nyck De Vries.
In 2020/2021, De Vries was crowned Formula E World Champion. Just a year prior, he won the 6 Hours of Fuji in the LMP2 class. Alongside a long list of accolades, it was pretty obvious that he’d do great things in F1. But he didn’t – he was removed after ten races.
The fact that such a proven and time-tested driver could be tossed aside so quickly shows those at the top of racing are no longer treasured, taken care of and developed by their team. Times of working with one-another may be on its way out, dying when McLaren paid to terminate Ricciardo’s contract a year early. Instead, teams can simply reshuffle the deck and pull out a new driver. De Vries’ CV features nothing but upticks before and after his time in F1. God, I still remember watching him when I was nine, in the McLaren ‘Tooned’ animation in 2013.
Although it was the easy option to remove Nyck (and now Ricciardo), it was almost certainly not the best one. So – should teams be allowed to discard talent like they have been lately? Or would it be better for everyone if they just stuck with their talent?
There are issues with both models. If you let a driver outstay their welcome, you are wasting precious time when someone else could be doing a better job. Furthermore, you may just be investing millions into someone you know you won’t have a future with. But on the other hand, the threat of being removed before the season is even up not only piles on more pressure to perform (which can in itself cause performance issues), but it also encourages teams to play F1 Tinder instead of making an effort to build a bond with their drivers to maximise every drop of performance possible. A balance between two extremes must be carefully engineered. The thing is that right now, teams are swaying very heavily to the latter.
As a result, this current direction is nothing but damaging the performance of teams as well as ruining the dreams of clearly capable drivers, in the name of convenience and doing things the easy way instead of the correct way.
Now granted, Ricciardo’s situation is very different to this. He has faced hardship ever since stepping into the McLaren garage in 2021. But even then, the fact that Red Bull/Racing Bulls (silly name by the way) do not even have the respect to let him finish a season in a car that can barely score points anyway is not only disrespectful to the part he has played in Red Bull over the years, but is also a disheartening way to end the career of a very fast driver.
So – do you think teams should continue to be able to swap drivers in and out like a game of driver roulette? Or should they have more of a focus on the long-term, but take the risk that the marriage may just not work out? Let me know.
The K14 Micra marked an ending of an era for not only Nissan rounding off the reign of their supermini but also the industry shift from the small and mighty to not-so-small crossovers and SUVs.
Currently, a K14 Micra can be found for around £7500, down from £12,800 when new. Considered a bit pricey at the time, it’s resale value is still a full grand and a half over that of a Clio which currently sells for around £6,000.
The previous four generations of Micra came and went with typical Nissan reliability and created a great for itself name in the supermini sphere. However, the lacklustre sales of the K13 in the European market meant that the K14 decided to add a level of prestige to restore its reputation. That more-or-less explains the higher price than its competitors at launch.
There was a considerable stylistic upgrade from the K13, which carries little to no underpinnings of modern car design. The K14, however, has aged in a way that disguises it among brand new cars quite elegantly. It’s obviously not a part of Nissan’s latest range, but it contains an aggressive design that harkens little resemblance to the curves and hard plastics of the K13 and previous.
The K14 has not only aged well in the design department. In a time of ZEV mandates and tsunamis of new emissions regulations, the Micra finds itself being drivable in any clean air zone without having to face a fine.
Driving the K14 is also still a pleasurable experience. Give the turbocharger a second to wind up and, alongside the aerodynamic design, a good bit of fun is very possible without pushing the car beyond its limits.
Generally, the K14 Micra punches well above its weight with little compromise. It’s got an array of upmarket features such as lane-keeping assist and interior stylistic touches that competitors like the Clio or Fiesta of the time didn’t have. With a resale price that has been more-or-less steadfast for a good few years now, it makes a lot of sense to pick up.
Reliability
WhatCar? ended up giving Nissan a reliability score of 90.7%, placing it higher than Vauxhall and VW but below Ford, Seat and Skoda. While the Micra itself did not appear on their 2024 reliability survey at the time, it finished mid-table on the last survey it appeared in.
My experience with the K14 has mostly been positive, with the car always being a dependable option. I say ‘mostly’ positive as there was a recall earlier in 2024 which required my car to have a seat rail replacement as a flaw in the mechanism had been found. This wasn’t a huge deal though, as I took it in to my local dealership and the repair was completed that day, free of cost.
Generally, it is safe to say that Nissan’s reputation as a brand with a focus on reliability is being upheld, with the K14 proving to be a sturdy workhorse that can operate relatively trouble-free.
Design and styling
It’s similarly safe to say that Nissan made an effort to push the boat out in the styling department, especially after the less charming approach taken by the K13. A 75mm increase in the car’s wheelbase and further forward A-pillar allowed the K14 to accentuate its sloping roofline. Alongside being wider and having a lower ground clearance, Nissan showed clear willingness to further appeal to the European market.
This extra muscle on the Micra’s meat is supported by a torsion beam similar to that of the contemporary Qashqai. A solid-mounted front subframe was also fitted that provides superb body control. The K14’s road agility is further strengthened with the Nissan Intelligent Ride Control and Intelligent Trace Control systems using the brakes to minutely enhance the car’s ride and handling.
The expressive personality of the K14 is clear from the exterior. It starts from the V-motion grille and aggressive headlights which help lead the sculpted bodywork, while blacked out rear pillars and bold wheel design cements a look unlike any other supermini on sale.
While there are a couple of things such as the stocky rear end and light positioning which help reveal that this car was built in the same factory as the Renault Clio and Zoe in France, it was clear this move was made to bring the K14 close to Europe after the K13 moved the Micra from the factory in Sunderland to production lines in India, Thailand, Mexico and Indonesia.
Interior
From the abundance of scratchy plastics on previous models (that looked outdated even when new), the K14 made heavy alterations to not only create a more modern cabin, but also one of surprising quality.
Soft touch materials line the upper dash and steering wheel. Blue, orange or red trim colour options were also made available, adding lashings of personality to the seats, door cards and dashboard. Though I find the standard white to provide enough character.
The front of the cabin is a comfortable place to be with ample space that comes as a part of the K14’s wider and longer stance.
Though, the sloping roofline breaks this feeling of space as it makes life tough for those sitting in the rear. As a result of Nissan’s style-conscious approach, the K14 may be less appealing if you regularly have anyone taller than a child in the back, especially when alternatives like the Clio or Skoda Fabia managing to work their ways around this.
The rear seats aren’t all doom and gloom though. Fitted with Isofix, they are also collapsible to make extra space for large objects going in the boot.
The K14’s 300L boot space is pretty standard for a B-segment supermini. It does what is required of it, although if you are trying to pack more in the rear seats can fold down.
The NissanConnect infotainment system is simple to use with a no-frills, easy-to-operate attitude. The 7-inch display covers the centre of the dash and has a nice touchscreen to physical button ratio.
Nissan made the decision to equip K14 ‘Acenta’ variant (like the one used in this review) with Apple CarPlay and Android Auto. Strangely though, the more expensive N-Connecta and Tekna models drop this function to instead have a more advanced NissanConnect that has the CarPlay functions such as Sat-Nav built-in.
As developed as functional as NissanConnect may be, CarPlay and Auto are refined interfaces that constantly see updates from Apple and Google respectively. They reflect the user interfaces of your mobile phone and allow drivers to use the navigation system of your choice, such as Google Maps or Waze. As a consequence of Nissan’s bizarre decision making in this regard, the more ‘upmarket’ Micras may be significantly less desirable.
One significant upgrade that the N-Connecta does see, however, is the option to have a Bose speaker system. Then again, it’s not worth going out of your way to try to get one with this installed as the standard sound system does a good job of punching above its weight. Plus, I imagine most would find CarPlay or Auto to be the more useful option in day-to-day use.
Engine and performance
The K14s you’ll find will be manual or automatic, bearing either a petrol 89bhp 0.9-litre turbocharged, 1.0-litre naturally aspirated or a 89bhp 1.5-litre diesel engine, each coming with three pistons. None of the engine options manage to deliver power of any invigorating magnitude, instead being best described as ‘functional and practical’.
The model used in this review comes with the 0.9-litre. Perhaps sometimes a tad sluggish off the line, give the turbocharger a second to wind up and it can happily generate some power.
The turbo is nowhere near as exciting as one you may see in a Mini Cooper or a Fiesta Ecoboost, but it is still hardly something to raise any complaints about. A Micra drive can be enjoyed, but the motor certainly has more modest priorities.
Brakes follow a similar school of thought, operating predictably without leaving much to be desired. They are firm and responsive but also allow for smooth deceleration.
Engine performance is more humble than the energetic exterior design would lead you to believe. Then again this is not a Nismo. So a lack of ‘extraordinary’ under the bonnet is perfectly fine.
Ride and handling
The British driver would be the one who could appreciate the Micra’s ride at its best, as it was developed in Cranfield and spent a good chunk of its time being tuned and tested on UK roads.
The car steers with a flow and fluency, despite the power disadvantage to its rivals. The excellent body control, well-tuned suspension, dampers and robust chassis creates smooth and sturdy handling. This allows the car to easily be thrown around country lanes without ever feeling stretched to its limits.
As expected, the K14 handles drives around town pretty easily, feeling manoeuvrable and fits right in with other top-class superminis. It remains settled on a variety of roads with steering that has enough weight to act predictably. Plus, the increased size from the K13 provides more road presence in cities, preventing you from feeling overwhelmed by the amount of SUV and crossovers you see around nowadays.
The K14 has you covered on long journeys, coming equipped with cruise control, lane-keeping assist and auto high beams. It stays sturdy at high speed and never feels out of its depth when charging down the M6. The aerodynamic front end and shoulder lines allow the Micra to slip through the air much more effortlessly and delivers respectable fuel economy.
The digital display in the instrument cluster presents the driver with tyre pressure, fuel economy, journey time and distance information. At best it can provide useful statistics for long drives. At worst it’s something to flick through when bored. No complaints here.
MPG and running costs
WhatCar? reported the 1.0-litre petrol variant to have an average economy figure of 51.4mpg, according to current WLTP standards. The turbocharged 0.9-litre petrol received a lower figure of 47.1mpg. The 1.5-litre diesel, however, achieved an astounding 88.3mpg (NEDC). Although, with WLTP testing, this dropped to 52.3mpg.
Through my testing with the 0.9-litre, this 47.1mpg seems accurate. On motorway journeys, my fuel economy would often rise to a sensible 60-65mpg.
Verdict
For the price of £7,500 used, the Micra is well worth considering. The K14 pairs comfortable performance and reliability with an attractive design that acts as an unequivocal upgrade to its predecessor. Nissan’s efforts in making a stellar European run-around were not in vain as it sits on the higher end of quality in the budget supermini market.
While no edition of the K14 is poor, it is certainly more worth looking for an Acenta variant, as while you will miss out on the fancy Bose speakers, you gain the convenience of Android Auto/Apple CarPlay.
Importantly, with the outstanding way the resale value has held over the past few years (I would lose no money if I were to sell mine today), the K14 is absolutely worth overlooking a second hand Fiesta or Clio for.
2024 Day of Champions raised an exceptional £246,000, with an extra £25,000 over the rest of the weekend.
What is the MotoGP Day of Champions?
Annually hosted on the Thursday of the British MotoGP weekend, Day of Champions is a charity fundraiser that began at the 1989 British MotoGP. Founded by Andrea and Barrie Coleman alongside ex MotoGP rider Randy Mamola, it raises money for Ms Coleman’s charity, Two Wheels for Life. Tickets not only donate to the cause, but grants buyers the chance to roam the paddock, pitlane and meet the riders, but also enter charity raffles and the Day of Champions afternoon auction featuring the riders themselves.
Two Wheels for Life works to ensure healthcare workers in Africa have transportation, often in the form of bikes, to reach communities that larger vehicles cannot access. Their programmes have supported a significant reduction in disease growth, curbing outbreaks of disease, reducing maternal and infant mortality across African countries.
The inspiring intentions of Day of Champions means riders and team members are very happy to engage with the runnings of the event. For example, none of the riders require attendance or need to appear on stage for the auction. Yet every single of them make the effort to. Their infectious enthusiasm for the Day of Champions becomes apparent through every rider’s energy in the auction and willingness to spend time meeting fans, taking pictures and doing signings.
What happens on Day of Champions?
Between 11am and 3pm, ticket-holders can freely roam the paddock and soak in the atmosphere, without the sharp uptick in price or strict restrictions in place over the rest of the weekend. Since no bikes hit the track, riders and team crew members can casually be seen milling around between weekend preparations, happy to sign an autograph or take selfies.
2024’s Day of Champions saw the unveiling of the 75th Anniversary retro liveries that stormed round Silverstone on Sunday. Bikes and riders were suited and booted in their old-school designs in the pitlane, for fans to get an early-access look from mere metres away. Paddock pass holders also had from 2pm-3pm to stroll down the pitlane, get a glimpse of the pit boxes and take a stroll onto the end of the Hamilton Straight.
The day culminates with the classic Day of Champions auction at 3:30pm. Each rider pairing will have their time on stage, wave to the crowd and help auction off their memorabilia to fans. Auction items have spanned from used racewear to a Yamaha-themed coffee table, signed wheels, plaques, helmets and weekend paddock passes. Sales went from multiple hundreds to well over a thousand.
Riders were having a visibly great time too, discussing the significance of the items being sold and engaging the crowd to get higher bids – often looking blown away when seeing what their stuff sells for. Fabio Quatararo even took it upon himself to be the auctioneer for a pair of racing boots he wore at Assen earlier in the year. Not long before Fabio’s auctioneering masterclass, Johann Zarco jumped off stage to hug and give a peck on the cheek to a woman claiming to be his number one fan. The auction raised just short of £80,000.
Day of Champions provides a very personal experience to MotoGP. A slower approach and an eerily quiet Silverstone allows visitors to admire a quiet circuit and get absorbed in the paddock when it is otherwise chock-a-block with people or closed to the public altogether.
Tickets to Day of Champions can be purchased alongside MotoGP weekend tickets on the Silverstone website. Access to the paddock must be purchased with Day of Champions paddock passes.
Donations for Two Wheels for Life can be made here.
Written by Sachin Shaw. Co-written by Ciaran O’Neill
The motor car. The television. The toilet.
When Thomas Edison invented the ceiling, legend has it that he did so while on the toilet. You know what they say – toilets are the cradle of man. But are they worth the hype? Let’s flush this investigation…
Toilets provide a necessary role of waste removal in a sanitary manner. Not only is this essential in modern life, but it allows for the job to be done in the most comfortable way possible. However, one must question the efficiency of such a process.
Piss takes
Toilets take the piss like Nestle taking water from places in Africa suffering from water crises. Toilets, much like Nestle’s dubious water tactics, have a knack for taking the piss without batting an eyelid. I personally believe that peeing into a toilet is a primitive and outdated method. Instead, I believe people should urinate into the sink to save water.
Locking in.
Japan
When I was in Japan, over half my time was spent on the toilet (I ate a dodgy ramen and had crippling diarrhoea). I must say, the people of Japan truly have mastered the art of a meditative shit. The toilet opens for you, it washes for you and even warms the seat. Shitting anywhere else is to shit in pure agony.
This thing? Oh, it’s nothing. Just the Armitage Shanks Sandringham 21
Time is ticking
Did you know that we spend an average of 92 days in our lives on the toilet? That’s 92 days you could be playing Fortnite.
Fortnite, the beacon of productivity and societal advancement, beckons us all to forsake the porcelain throne and embrace the call of the battle royale.
I personally encourage everyone to avoid using the toilet at all times so you can spend more time playing Fortnite.
Locking in but better, because Fortnite is involved
…
When each morning dawn does break,
And I can gaze outside my window across a vast, golden horizon,
When I can see in my own eyes tranquillity, as an object,
And have my vitality restored at the fullness of the sight of the beauty of the earth,
My day is ruined by the knowledge that toilets exist.
Conclusion
To conclude, do not use a toilet. Let shit hit the fan.
If you enjoyed this review, leave a comment below for infinite diarrhoea
Disclaimer: this is satire, do not take any of this shit seriously.
Sleep is addictive. But is sleep like the stuff from the local dealer? Or is it as pure as a fine batch of Mexican cocaina? Well soon, you shall know. Welcome to Sleep Review.
Sleep is unbelievably refreshing. Entering a deep slumber to wake hours later, rejuvenated. It allows for experiences to be processed, growth to take place and a mental reset to be hit. Many don’t even want to leave their beds when they wake up! Not me though, I’m a gigachad sigma male. When I wake up, I do press-ups in the rain and stare at myself in the mirror for multiple hours.
Is sleep really worth it though? I mean – have you ever even stopped to think about it? I bet you just yawn and go to bed. You meek.
Case 1 against sleep: Piss and Power Naps
Have you ever heard of the term ‘wetting the bed’? Well if you don’t sleep, it is impossible to wet the bed. Furthermore, it reduces the chances of you wetting anyone else you may be sleeping on. As a result, I suggest reducing the amount you sleep as much as possible so you do not wet the bed. I, however, intentionally wet the bed in protest against the capitalist elite.
Case 2 against sleep: You are Intel Pentium processor
You need sleep because your brain is a selfish prick that needs to recover like my computer after running more than two tabs of Google Chrome.
Your tiredness may be a result of a lack of processor power in your system. To avoid sleep, try Unleashing the Beast®! with Monster Energy, or Vitalising body and mind®. with a crisp can of Red Bull. This will overclock your system so software updates no longer slow you down and kill your battery. Alternatively, you could simply download more processor cores from the online marketplace. I did it and haven’t slept in three weeks. As a result of living the way evolution intended, I have now gained ability to communicate with fish!
Me communicating with a fish
Point 3 against sleep: Sleep demons
Sleeping with part of your body sticking out of the blanket means certain death. This is because it will give monsters the opportunity to come and kill you in your sleep. So unless you want to die, I suggest getting as little sleep as possible.
Moreover, they call it a ‘sleep paralysis demon’ for a reason. Just don’t sleep. smh.
As we can see from this very comprehensive and scientifically backed review, sleep is one of the most harmful things you can do to your body. Effects include poor hygiene, slow processing and death.
Instead of sleeping, we at funkysachin.com recommend spending your extra time reading our other articles, or sending me money using the QR code below so I can buy more band merch without the financial ramifications.
Disagree with my verdict? Send me money. Agree with my verdict? Send me money. Either way, you should scan the QR code and empty your bank account.
Also leave a comment below and check out other random reviews here! Or don’t, I can’t force you.
A few months ago, I found myself in a HMV, flicking through record after record.
My usual process of buying an album in-store either involves seeing a band I recognise, or seeing an awesome album cover, giving a song half a listen on Spotify then deciding if I should close the deal.
Páthos strayed from this convention. The cover stared into my soul. For the first time, I decided to go in completely blind. I was gonna risk wasting £30 on a piece of plastic I hated.
Can you blame me though? I mean – look at that cover. I’d put that on my wall!
The latest record by Conjurer is a culmination of doom, black, sludge, progressive and hardcore metal that creates something captivating.
The album, kicking off with the ominous sounding “It Dwells” features compellingly emotional riffing from the get-go.
Páthos’ musical density is a result of years of Conjurer mastering their craft from the basement they started in, to their first two albums paving the way for their latest and potentially greatest.
The album encompasses themes of fear, anxiety and battling inner demons with a visceral passion. This is done by buckling intentionally brutal screams with haunting, clean guitar twangs and pick scrapes in a way that is artistically moody and spectacular. Bringing in deathcore tropes such as blast beats and seating them with timid motifs seen in atmospheric metal not only adds to the emotion, it tugs at heart strings you didn’t even realise existed.
Páthos itself meaning ‘suffering’, ‘experience’, or ‘emotion’ equally in Greek, the title accompanies the music superfluously.
Not all of Páthos is written like this, however. Suffer Alone, the progressive and grindcore fusion provides for a great way to break up the album and set up the final Act. Tunes like In Your Wake have real attitude and weight which acts as a pendulum to swing the album in a more groovy and doomy light. This only adds to the force of this modern classic.
The experience closes out with the slow n’ sludgey Cracks in the Pyre that, admittedly, got me slow-dancing by myself in my room. This song is a perfect cultivation of the entire album and sums up what Páthos does best.
The record then closes with eerie noises of the instruments fading away into the abyss.
Páthos is not an album to be listened to, but one you must sit down to and experience; something people don’t do anywhere near enough. And I couldn’t be more happy with the purchase of this masterpiece.
I therefore give Páthos by Conjurer a well deserved “stop-reading-and-listen-to-it-already”/10!
Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment your opinions below! If you don’t have any opinions, tell me your favourite LED lightbulb manufacturer.
Disclaimer: This is a very serious post. No more ceiling conspiracy theories. No more paying to the Aqua Elders to use a public toilet. Do not come here expecting the usual Sachin tomfoolery.
So, all the MotoGP liveries have finally been shown off. Despite all of them looking the same as last year, let’s look at the best ones for the premier bike racing series!
5. Mooney VR46 Racing Team
The Mooney VR46 2023 bike; prescribed by The Doctor
I must say, there are no bikes that look particularly bad, so choosing number 5 in this list was quite difficult. But I think the second ever VR46 deserves this spot. The black (my favourite colour) in contrast with the brilliant Rossi yellow and Mooney sponsor colours… It all compliments each other flawlessly. Bloomin’ beautiful.
4. Repsol Honda Team
Repsol Gives You Wings?
Ok so this is the first of the bike liveries that has remained more or less unchanged for multiple decades. Not that it’s something to complain about though. The way the livery design has aged proves that true timelessness is truly possible. The orangish/reddish wheels have to be the main attraction, though. Providing for one of the most unique and sexy looks on the grid.
3. Ducati Lenovo Team
What Quartararo and Marquez will spend all year looking at. Not a bad view
Ducati has to have one of the most wild bikes for this year. Looking like 2008 F1 cars with the way things seem to be flaking off it, the aero looks like it could easily decapitate an unsuspecting pigeon. Not only do the aero pieces add a unique allure to the bike, but Ducati have absolutely nailed the livery. Going with a darker red to previous years, the thing looks more evil than Mercedes AMG F1’s Darth Vader car. Bike go vroom. And this bike be very vroomie.
2. Aprilia Racing
The ’23 Aprilia; bringing back the horseshoe moustache one lap at a time
If the Ducati looks like Darth Vader, the Aprilia IS Darth Vader. Being one of the only teams on the grid to have a matte finish to their paintjob, the bike absolutely stands out. With, of course, the stunning Aprilia logo pasted across the side. This one will be a pleasure to watch go in circles, lap after lap. The design is topped off with the Aprilia red being added on, which will make it look even better as it slices through the air.
1. Monster Energy Yamaha MotoGP
The Yamaha YZR-M1 is really giving off monster energy
Okay so I may be a bit biased when it comes to this, with Yamaha always being in my Yamaheart thanks to Valentino Rossi. You know what though, the 2023 Yamaha is a charming development from last year.
The best part being the blue, which now looks like it’s being torn off by the sheer speed of this monster, piloted by Franco Morbidelli and the infamous El Diablo. The blue, looking basic to some, looks classic to me. The consistent dark colours used on the YZR-M1 makes it look like stealthy on track. Designed in Yamaha’s fortress and manufactured to terrorise.
So there we have it, the top five MotoGP liveries for the 2023 season. Do you agree with our choices? Let us know how you’d rank the grid in the comments. Or tell us your favourite pizza topping. That too is acceptable. Anyway, I’m off to Offal Fest so see you guys later!
60% of your body is water. I wonder if anyone’s tried to become 100% water…
Introduction
If you’ve never heard of water, it is a molecule on planet Earth, made up of hydrogen and oxygen. But has anyone ever wanted to review water? As far as we know, it could all be a marketing scheme created by the Aqua Elders as a way of increasing profit margins after the death of the dinosaurs. Join me and find out:
The Review
Water is the elixir of life. As far as we know, we and the animals and plants we share the planet with would not exist without it. Given the only known life in the universe uses it to survive, water is awesome.
Luckily, supply is not running short either as there’s also an ocean-load of the stuff. So if you’re getting a quench for thirst, simply navigate to your local ocean and take a sip of the sacred nectar! I usually take a trip to my local ocean every half an hour, as I get quite thirsty on my walk home and must return to the ocean to drink more water (I haven’t been home in two decades).
This leads me onto the “bad”, because water is not all hype and no pipe. Drinking water with no local ocean comes at a cost. And that cost is a cost. Of course, consuming water will increase your need to urinate. If you are not an ocean purist, you may prefer to drink water from things called “bottles” for convenience. However, bottles have a cost, far greater than the purchase price.
The Peeing Conspiracy
Many toilets, particularly in London, are blocked from free access. Admittance to these toilets can only be done through a financial payment at the turnstile. The defining question when using a public toilet is now “Hmmm. Cash or card?”. But what happens if you bought a bottle and therefore cannot afford to pay to piss? It’s a pissing piss take. Take my piss for free, goddammit!
We need water to survive. But we have to pay to buy and release of it… coincidence? Absolutely not.
That’s right, FunkySachin.com has done it again. Exposing the schemes and conspiracies of the world. Ceilings? Exposed. Raspberries? Exposed. Now, even our darling water has been unmasked. Nothing and no-one is safe.
Ok back to the review
Many may dislike water consumption as they may find it particularly watery to drink. I once said that “the problem with things without spice is that there is no spice”. And water isn’t exactly a jalapeño in the flavour department.
Simply put, water is very plain. But what ways are there to spice up the drinking experience?
To add a crisp buzz, ice can be added. Personally, I prefer to not put ice in my water as when it melts it can dilute my water. I favour water simply just very cold, so it can retain its distinct wateriness and does not become watered down.
Other ways improve water includes putting it in your cereal. Wait-that’s milk. Never-mind.
Conclusion
I am currently getting quite thirsty so I’m going to head back to the ocean. I’ll give water a rating of 1/10 because while it keeps people alive, I am completely convinced of the conspiracy theory that water is made by the Aqua Elders to make more money off public toilets.
Check out more Random Reviews here to say NO to water
If you say YES to water click it anyway, it feeds me dopamine.
Album Review: XAVLEGBMAOFFFASSSSITIMIWOAMNDUTROABCWAPWAEIIPPOHFFFX – Gore
XAVLEGBMAOFFFASSSSITIMIWOAMNDUTROABCWAPWAEIIPPOHFFFX. As their logo clearly states, this remarkable band are ‘Acidic Vaginal Liquid Explosion Generated By Mass Amounts Of Filthy Fecal Fisting And Sadistic Septic Syphilic Sodomy Inside The Infected Maggot Infested Womb Of A Molested Nun Dying Under The Roof Of A Burning Church While A Priest Watches And Ejaculates In Immense Perverse Pleasure Over His First Fresh Fetus’….
Well there goes all my space for the intro, so here’s the review:
The Review
Despite the name XAVLEGBMAOFFFASSSSITIMIWOAMNDUTROABCWAPWAEIIPPOHFFFX being tad long and having song names like “Bone Saw”, Gore is a treasury for some brilliant stuff.
The EP seems to try to do everything at once. Somehow though, it works. A melting pot for the talent of all six band members to add their own ocean-load of creativity to create something colourful. Such as how Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis somehow incorporates elements of slam, tech-death and even throws in a breakdown before a slow and moody mid-section.
The band’s brutal lyrics are enough to even make Cannibal Corpse jealous. If you can tell what they’re even saying, you’ll realise it’s perhaps a little edgy even by death metal standards. Speaking of lyrics, Core presents an impressive range in singing styles. Ranging from a heavy shout and deathly growls to full blown frog noises, no song goes without that irresistible tickle of intrigue. XAVLEGBMAOFFFASSSSITIMIWOAMNDUTROABCWAPWAEIIPPOHFFFX is mind blowing with the vocal talent on show. Standouts include the savagery of Bone Saw or the confusing/strangely mesmerising “poetry” in Dicks Out for Harambe. Yeah, it’s really called that.
Gore is more than enough to please your inner air-guitarist. The album is in company of awesome guitar work with killer riffs and deadly solos mixed in. It’s the meaningful moments in songs that make Gore more than just a “bit of fun”, and instead a genuinely good EP, which can be returned to for listen upon listen. The album contains djent and tech-death themes but also incorporates them with slam metal influences, which is something that has definitely been done before. Just not in the twisted way done in Gore.
Overall, this EP, like the band, can be summed up with one word. “How”. Or maybe, “somehow”. Because, being a mess, it’s an organised mess. Gore and XAVLEGBMAOFFFASSSSITIMIWOAMNDUTROABCWAPWAEIIPPOHFFFX is clearly a fun side project for the guys in the band – a place for them to throw in as many crazy ideas as possible and create some magic.
