Toilet Review
Written by Sachin Shaw. Co-written by Ciaran O’Neill
The motor car. The television. The toilet.
When Thomas Edison invented the ceiling, legend has it that he did so while on the toilet. You know what they say – toilets are the cradle of man. But are they worth the hype? Let’s flush this investigation…
Toilets provide a necessary role of waste removal in a sanitary manner. Not only is this essential in modern life, but it allows for the job to be done in the most comfortable way possible. However, one must question the efficiency of such a process.
Piss takes
Toilets take the piss like Nestle taking water from places in Africa suffering from water crises. Toilets, much like Nestle’s dubious water tactics, have a knack for taking the piss without batting an eyelid. I personally believe that peeing into a toilet is a primitive and outdated method. Instead, I believe people should urinate into the sink to save water.
Japan
When I was in Japan, over half my time was spent on the toilet (I ate a dodgy ramen and had crippling diarrhoea). I must say, the people of Japan truly have mastered the art of a meditative shit. The toilet opens for you, it washes for you and even warms the seat. Shitting anywhere else is to shit in pure agony.
Time is ticking
Did you know that we spend an average of 92 days in our lives on the toilet? That’s 92 days you could be playing Fortnite.
Fortnite, the beacon of productivity and societal advancement, beckons us all to forsake the porcelain throne and embrace the call of the battle royale.
I personally encourage everyone to avoid using the toilet at all times so you can spend more time playing Fortnite.
…
When each morning dawn does break,
And I can gaze outside my window across a vast, golden horizon,
When I can see in my own eyes tranquillity, as an object,
And have my vitality restored at the fullness of the sight of the beauty of the earth,
My day is ruined by the knowledge that toilets exist.
Conclusion
To conclude, do not use a toilet. Let shit hit the fan.
If you enjoyed this review, leave a comment below for infinite diarrhoea
Disclaimer: this is satire, do not take any of this shit seriously.
8 Comments
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Bloody funny and informative as always
Essential reading when deciding on my new choice of toilet. Thank you FunkySachin.com
I love spending all day on my toilet.
Excellent review on toilets, and accompanying video with the added benefit of giving you stomach cramps – not from impending diarrhoea, but stitches from hysterical laughter. Thank you funkysachin.com
That’s 92 days where I could be playing Clash
Hello it is me Andrew Knight here to say how great this review is! It is really great. Almost as great as i am dumb and stupid!!! This review is almost as cool as adam wilson is. I sure am DUMB but adam sure is NOT DUMB and he is cool!!!!
Signed
– Andrew Knight (real)
good review. i think you should consider using a bidet. i can’t deny, the sensation of water torpedoing toward my gooch was truly an eye-opening experience.
10/10 review. Life changing. I will never look at toilets the same way again