Raspberries Review

Introduction

Raspberries are a fruit that we have the luxury of purchasing and consumption as a homosapien. But do they deserve the 10/10 rating? Or are they just as deceptive as ceilings? Without further ado, let’s get into it.

The Review

Raspberries get off to a great start with their packaging. Being sold in significantly greater numbers than other fruits like apples or oranges, which are only sold in packs on five or six. This is unlike mighty raspberries, which are sold in their twenties or above. “Strength in numbers” is a phrase often used in war. The same goes for raspberries.

Raspberries also taste awesome. And I mean, absolutely divine. The most addictive fruit ever. Good thing they are extremely healthy too! And if you say “But Sachin, I don’t like raspberries” you can get Shrekt. Your time is ogre.

Dogs. People like dogs. Dogs are fluffy. Many people love dogs because of their fluffiness. You know what else feels fluffy? RASPBERRIES. Despite not tasting like it, raspberries have an alluring softness to them. So even if you don’t like eating them, they can still be petted like they are a really small dog or something. I don’t know, I don’t do it. I have dogs. Raspberries won’t love you back, but if you have a pet allergy, raspberries can be a very suitable alternative.

However there is a drawback to raspberries that reveals their true intentions. Behind the mask of being a viable dog replacement, raspberries have a potential dealbreaker.

1 in 5 raspberries are more sour than my last relationship. That’s what I’d say if I had been in a relationship. Seriously, though, they are the phantom menace, springing at you like Freddy Fazbear. You don’t know when, but it’ll happen. The sour raspberry will hit you harder than a punch to the gut.

Picture evidence of the effects of eating a sour raspberry
Picture evidence of the effects of eating a sour raspberry

There exists no mortal on Earth who does not fear the sour raspberry. With this in mind, it can absolutely destroy anyone’s raspberry consumption experience.

I personally believe that sour raspberries were purposely created to help the sales of the upcoming sequel, Raspberries 2. But until its release, we can only live in complete and utter terror.

Therefore I rate raspberries an I-prefer-strawberries-anyway/10

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Best Looking F1 Car of Each Decade

At the time of writing this, F1 has been going for a stupendous 73 years, with 748 cars having been entered into the sport.

Each year of F1, there’ve been designs and liveries that range from absolutely stunning to absolutely sorrowful. So this article exists as a love letter to F1’s most awe-inspiring F1 cars ever. I would do this for each year, buuuuut that would take way too long. So instead, here are the best looking F1 car of each decade.

1950s: Ferrari 500

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Unfortunately the image is black and white, but its a Ferrari so knowing the colour won’t take much guesswork!

Ah, the first ten years of Formula 1, ever. Hard to think it’s even the same sport. As F1 was finding its feet there were many different rule changes. So picking a single car for a decade of F1 that I hardly knew a thing about, where everything was recorded in black and white was a task. But I found it.

Technically an F2 car, the Ferrari 500 was the first serious contender to Alfa Romeo, who set the famous F1 standard for the same team to win (more or less) every single race of a season.

In my opinion, the Ferrari 500 is a perfect summary of the early days of F1. Ultra thin tyres, a cucumber shape and absolutely no consideration of safety! In fact, at this point, there were only two lines of safety information in the rulebook! I put this car as the best of the decade simply because it has become the symbol of F1’s dawn. The people of the 50s had quite the journey in for them over F1’s future.

1960s: Gurney Eagle Mk1

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In the first year of 3.0 litre engines in the sport, I was a very happy chappie to find that this era was all about exposing that beautiful engine work. The Gurney Eagle MK1 was a master at engine presentation, with the exhausts trailing off to the back of the car, doubling up as an aerodynamic piece and holding the spoiler. In a time of fake exhausts and sham engine noise on cars on the road, it’s a pleasure seeing the Eagle Mk1 leave absolutely nothing to the imagination.

1970s: Ferrari 312T

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I’m not sure the engine of this car could have been any LAUDA

Famously driven by Niki Lauda in 1975 and famously crashed by Charles Leclerc 47 years later, the 312T, to many, is a symbol of Ferrari’s success. Winning four of the next five constructors and three drivers titles, the fact that this car is a beauty is simply a bonus to it’s accolades.

The shovel on the front, the spade on the rear and the distinctive, ridiculously highly placed air intake on the top. You would’ve thought it looks awful based on my description. Somehow though, the complete opposite is true. Describing the true beauty of this car is difficult, but it makes any F1 fan beg to return to years gone by, to see cars from this era on track once more. Maybe without, you know, danger and death and all, though!

1980s: McLaren MP4/4

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The MP4/4 was driven by perhaps the best drivers in F1, Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna.

Could it have been anything else? Not only is it one of the most dominant F1 cars of all time (winning 15/16 races), the MP4/4 from 1988 is a pure classic in the design department. Perhaps having the most beautiful iteration of the famous Marlboro livery, the car is simple yet refined with its sharp edges from the wing and nose complimenting the curves of the upper body and long engine cover. An automotive masterpiece.

1990s: Jordan 191

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Despite being rather slow, the Jordan 191 has made its place in the history books by launching the debut of phenomenon Michael Schumacher. But luckily, it makes up for its lack of speed with its dashing good looks. The 191 sported a fearsome triple rear wing setup that looks like it could slice you into sushi. Not only that, but the arching, low front wing makes it look absolutely brilliant, even if it didn’t make it fast. Of course there is also the iconic 7Up livery which, I must admit, took its time to grow on me. But like a lot of other liveries of this era, it showed that simplicity if often best. Eddie Jordan definitely made the right decision to sport his home colour on there too. One to make the Irish proud!

2000s: McLaren MP4/23

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I’m not sure there was anyone whose interest wasn’t peaked when this car was unveiled. The most radical design of the season, the thing looks wild with all of its flakes coming off it, curves, all extenuated by the livery which you will see me gushing about more in for the car below.

The thing that is particularly brilliant about this car in my mind is the wild double-layered front wing which goes OVER the lowered nose and making the car look even more insane (in a good way). If I had to pick my favourite car from this list, the MP4/23 would be it.

2010s: McLaren MP4/27

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The Vodafone McLaren era may have made for some of the best looking F1 cars in history…

The 2010s were a host to some fantastic liveries. The 2019 Alfa Romeo, all nine Red Bulls and a plethora of others. 2012’s MP4/27 however, demands the spot as the best of the decade. Having a more glossy and reflective finish to its predecessors, the punchy red and chrome made for a spectacular design that was refined in this model.

Despite missing out on the title in Hamilton’s final year with the team, the MP4/27 was still the fastest on the grid with an unprecedented level of style. Lowering the chassis and avoiding that nose “step” that other cars featured and deemed so ugly by so many. Instead, this car has a smooottthh curve providing reams of elegance to McLaren’s last title challenger.



2020’s: Alfa Romeo C42

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Despite not being the most successful car on the 2022 grid, the C42 was definitely a looker. Bringing back a more classic livery design that looks stellar on the revolutionary 2022 car. Bringing the mix between an old school livery on the trailblazing new ’22 regulations are the wheel covers. Unlike many other teams which left the wheel covers unpainted, Alfa found a way to make you miss seeing those spokes a little bit less, with a stupendous Pokéball-like look which is so cool it could freeze the element mercury.



So there we go! What we think are the best looking F1 car of each decade. Do you disagree? If so, awesome! Let us know the changes you would make in the comments below. Or not, I’m not forcing you. It’d be cool if you did though…

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Ceilings Review

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I wonder why they’re not spelt “see lings”

Introduction

Ceilings. They’re everywhere. In our offices, shops, our restaurants. They’ve even made their way into our own homes. They are inescapable. But do ceilings deserve the bearing they hold on our lives? Are they worth the hype? Well, this investigation will get to the bottom of it. This is FunkySachin.com’s Ceiling Review (shriek sound effect).

What do ceilings have to offer us?

Well, for one, they can let you add another storey to your house. By having a ceiling in your property, you are actually laying the groundworks for another floor to be built! If you’re lucky, this “second floor” may already exist! If you are unsure, find the staircase in your home and see if you have this mysterious second floor.

So what other reasons do we have to be in favour of ceilings? Well, they have been critically acclaimed over the years for protecting you and your belongings from the elements. Rain, snow, hale, acid rain, a ceiling can keep you protected from it all of nature’s terrors. Therefore with the power of a ceiling, you are able to keep your delicate belongings dry and safe.

So, ceilings have a plentiful supply of advantages. But what evidence is there that ceilings may not be what they seem?

Well you know when I said they protect you from outside elements? That includes the Sun. Vitamin D is vital for keeping our D’s vitamised. Thanks to these pesky ceilings, we often lack the access to direct sunlight when can vitamise our Ds.

So without sunlight, we must sit ceilinged, but in darkness. I hear you screaming “but Sachin, isn’t that why we have lightbulbs?” But that is what they want you to think…

The Edison Inquiry

Thomas Edison created the lightbulb in 1879. But what, unreported invention did he also create just a few years later? That’s right. The ceiling. After years of trying but failing to sell lightbulbs, Edison had a lightbulb moment (haha, get it?). This quote was taken from a page of his diary that I found posted on Facebook: “People don’t need my bulbs. The Sun lights their rooms. But what if we take away the light? So they must PAY for it? mwaahahaha! I am the real Thomas Edison” Historians believe this is the start of corporate capitalism as we know it.

Using “adding a new floor to your home” and “protecting from the rain” as a front, Edison became a marketing mastermind. By convincing people to install ceilings the population was, without even knowing, forced into buying lightbulbs. Don’t believe me? Look up right now. Go on, do it. If you are indoors, you will see a ceiling. What is on said ceiling? A lightbulb. (shocked face)

That’s it, folks. The ugly truth behind ceilings has been uncovered. You heard it here first on FunkySachin.com. Ceilings were invented by Thomas Edison in 1882 to help him sell more lightbulbs.

I rate ceilings a 2/10.

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Of Kingdom and Crown – Machine Head Review

Of Kingdom and Crown is Machine Head’s latest album

Introduction

Following a controversial Catharsis, who knew what Machine Head would produce next. Two new members replacing two men who were with the band for over fourteen years. What the hell could they be producing next? Go back to groove metal? Or nu metal? Stay with thrash? More importantly, whatever they did, would it even be any good? Well with Of Kingdom and Crown, they come out of the gate swinging. Let us dive into it!

The Review Itself

First off we have the alluring Slaughter the Martyr. The slower start sets the tone of the dark rollercoaster before throwing you into the deep end, like your dad teaching you to swim. Ten minute songs can often risk being bloated and unnecessarily long. But once again this band prove that they could make a hundred-hour song and still make you yearn for more. Certainly a masterpiece of an opening, Slaughter… perfectly links with the turbocharged Choke on the Ashes of your Hate. Delivering ripping verses and monstrous chorus. It’s so fast it’s impossible to not admire the level of musicianship that went into such a song.

Become the Firestorm is a perfect example of where Machine Head could be going with the Legend Wacław “Vogg” Kiełtyka now in their ranks. Become the Firestorm is sure to slap on that ogre face you pull when you hear the most perfect music of your life. Its satisfying, memorable and unbelievably fast. This song needs a disclaimer that “possible side effects may include your face being torn off” with the sheer potency, power and force of it all.

Next, is a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one. Overdose, the first interlude of the record. As a way of linking the parts of this concept album together, its was a fascinating turn for the album to take. Brilliantly setting the dark tone for….

My Hands are Empty has a level of dexterity I’ve never experienced on any song ever before. It blends a nothing less than beautiful chorus with an epic verse, which is a new level of unhinged with rip-roaring lyrics that had me DANCING. As a bonus, the slower lyrics of this song makes it an absolutely perfect song to deafen your friends with for karaoke.

“One of the most cinematic records I have ever listened to”

Of Kingdom and Crown slows down and takes a fresh approach for the unique Unhallowed. Featuring a heartfelt melody with an even more gripping chorus and breakdown that reinvigorates your “this music is awesome” ogre face. This track lets you reconnect with the album and prepare for the beastly second half…

Unhallowed was the last single to be released before the album, so everything after this moment was unknown. But my god did it exceed expectations. Throwing you right back into the pit is Kill Thy Enemies featuring perhaps the most crushing riff since Davidian. The most brutal and punchy song on the record, it carries a weight and energy that demands turning the volume up till the dial breaks. Need I say more?

Following the immolation of Kill The Enemies is No Gods No Masters. Grand and striking, hearing it live would fill up an arena beautifully. Luckily, I am speaking from experience here. I had the pleasure of hearing Machine Head play this song live in Nottingham 2022. The catchiness of No Gods No Masters, with its woa-ahs and stretched out “Nooo Gooddss, Nooo Maasstteerrss” made it the perfect choice to play live.

Literally anything could have followed No Gods No Masters. But what does, is an absolutely wild duo of the most C R U N C H Y songs I have ever heard. First off is Bloodshot. A perfect blend between the gorgeous simplicity of older MH groove with the madness of the thrash that followed it. Then of course, is Rotten, which can be described similarly, but with more old school Machine Head that gets your head banging so hard it is guaranteed to break your neck.

Of Kingdom and Crown concludes with the magnificent Arrows in Words from the Sky. The opening, blooming like a flower, immediately informs you this is a different type of song. More sincere and “from the heart” than the other songs on this record, the song is an embodiment of “light at the end of the tunnel” as the triumphant album reaches its ardent conclusion.

Conclusion

If you hadn’t guessed already, I believe Of Kingdom and Crown is an absolute masterpiece. It is one of the most cinematic records I have ever listened to with outstanding recording quality and unmatched musicianship. There is no doubt I will be coming back to it for months, perhaps years into the future.

I rate this album a “stop-reading-already-and-listen-to-it”/10

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